Before I went to WW on Wednesday, I told my mom that while I had done well eating and exercising this past week, I had a lot of sodium and was in the middle of my cycle and so was feeling very heavy. Cut to thirty minutes later. I’m at weigh in. The lady behind the counter seems to be taking an extra long time reading the scale. I’m slowly breaking out into a sweat. And then, the second worst four words after “you gained a little” . . . “you stayed the same.”
Stayed the same? Are you kidding? You know what? I think it’s actually worse than gaining. Let’s be honest, when you gain, you know why you gained. Probably ate too much, didn’t exercise, etc. But when you do everything right and then stay the same, it’s so defeating. I wasn’t surprised with the sodium and my time of the month, but seriously, mentally, a gain is easier for me to bounce back from.
I so badly wanted to go in the car and cry, but I dredged my way back to the meeting. I sat there and brewed for a few minutes and then it struck me. Why was I being so hard on myself for staying the same? So what if I didn’t lose this week? I didn’t gain AND I still felt really good (well, except for all the monthly bloating – thanks very much, Mother Nature). I had a totally ridiculous conversation with myself in my head.
Me: You should have lost.
Me: I had everything working against me this week and didn’t gain, so shut it.
Me: You stayed the same. What a waste of a week.
Me: I did great this week. If I had lost only half a pound would it really have been so much better?
Me: Probably. You didn’t move the scale.
Me: Give it a rest. I made great choices, stayed within my points and exercised.
Me: Blah, blah, blah. Let’s see some results. No forget it, let’s go eat!
Me: No way, sister. You need to stay on track. OK, so the scale didn’t move. You did great this week and you’ll do great next week. And guess what? When you come next week, the scale will catch up with all of this. You can’t fall apart just because you stayed the same. You kicked ass for the first two weeks, and really for this week too. It will show on the scale. I promise.
Then I really started thinking about why we beat ourselves up so much. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Later, after the meeting, I read online about an anorexic model who passed away at age 28. It didn’t say that her death was directly attributed to anorexia, but I can’t imagine that the years of torturing her body didn’t have an effect. This woman was beautiful but beat herself up every day for almost her entire life because she didn’t like the way she looked.
Skinny, fat, pretty, plain – it doesn’t matter. We all have beat ourselves up at one time or another, and probably didn’t see all the good that we have to offer. I have a friend who is probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I mean, stunningly gorgeous. But she’s constantly criticizing herself over what, to me, are really trivial things. To her, though, they are legitimate issues that translate to always being unhappy with who she is.
I’m not really one for making New Year’s resolutions, but this year, I am concentrating on bettering myself. Whether it’s my weight, or my attitude (my husband will appreciate that one), or the way I treat myself, I’m resolved to be a little selfish and make this year about me.
I’ll be honest, I usually think I know more than I do. But here’s what I do know. I AM amazing. You ARE amazing. I am going to work on giving myself a break this year. Let’s all do the same. And now, my favorite new song. In fact, I think it will be my anthem going into this new year.